I was glad to be back. I was glad to have helped Jerry and was quite pleased with the payment swelling my bank account. But it had been an agonising, soul-searching week away.I felt bipolar, my mood swinging from pure unadulterated pleasure at the sexual side of Cassie's and my relationship, to deep depression and even shame for succumbing to her and betraying her mother, Mary, a wonderful woman I'd known for fifteen years.Work had helped take my mind off the problem, but it hung like low, heavy clouds over my head. The only solution I could come up with was to stop. Somehow I had to stop our sexual relationship and wait until she turned eighteen. And, as deeply depressing as that thought was, watching her practice, seeing her move so gracefully, my heart racing just from observing her, I knew, if she loved me, she'd wait. That only made it harder.After practice I took her to Wilket Creek Park to wander through the tended Edwards Gardens. Late afternoon temperature was falling. I led. “You had very early-on realization,” said Siza. This is important. You were, are, living representation of the person selected before time began to accept your role as the creator fulfilling our transition. You saved us, we deities, and we expressed that to you as you mostly shrugged it off as your duty. But one thing for sure. You did thoroughly love learning how to fuck.You had such curiosity about sex and the fact you were raised by three women of quite varying character was instrumental. But your training in strict parochial method drove you to fear girls yet you had true preoccupation with sex. Perhaps that was intended to create the sex drive waiting to be brought to life in order to accomplish the need, our need to have you fill us with mass energy driven gizem.Your mother, the person who gave birth to you was insane at an odd level. She was capable of love but endured with a sense of hatred of both you and your eldest sister. Her overriding hatred for her first born, that.
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